Monogamy vs. Non-monogamy

Monogamy vs. Non-monogamy

Let’s talk monogamy and non-monogamy (polyamory, polygamy, open relationships etc.)!

Lately someone popped the question, “What are your thoughts on monogamy and non-monogamy?” in an open Facebook group, and here are my two cents on the matter:

We each know what is right and true for ourselves. Basically nothing is right or wrong. Therefore I also call BS on anyone generalizing and saying that all men (or all human beings) are non-monogamous. To be honest, then it just sounds more like an excuse to me.

Let’s be honest… monogamy is scary. But I am not talking monogamy in the sense that we know it from most cases in today’s society, because in that sense there is pretty much no difference between monogamy and non-monogamy. The pinnacle – to me – is that kind of monogamy that is a sacred bond and connection, based on co-creation from a place of love, joy, freedom. Instead of it being from a place of lack, loneliness, co-dependency, fear… That to me is not monogamy… Or it actually is, but only in its old way, not in the sense of what I believe monogamy to truly be.

It’s easy to be single. It’s easy to be in that space of half-ass commitments as non-monogamy can be. It might be right for some, sure, but I know what’s true for me… And that is monogamy in the sense as I described it above. I will call it Humanogamy! And still, saying that all men are non-monogamous… I still call BS on that!

Someone wrote in the same thread that monogamy is a construct. I totally agree with that! The same goes for non-monogamy. It is also just a construct. I think they are all constructs. There are zero difference between these constructs. There are zero difference between monogamy and non-monogamy. They are simply constructs, yet constructs that allows us to learn about love and relationships (to learn about ourselves within love and relationships), and to move towards that one sacred connection and bond (that is scary af) that we all seek (which is not two halves meeting, but two whole coming together). Yet most often we get stuck in the constructs. And love doesn’t care about any of these constructs! Love doesn’t care about whether it’s monogamy or non-monogamy or whatever it’s called! Love transcends it all!

What’s true for you? That’s key as well. What’s true for you and what’s true for your partner? Are your own true wants and needs aligned with your partner’s? That’s a way of finding out as well if it’s worth “working” on or not.

In the end we all end up in the same “space” that is the space of love, yet our paths and experiences to get there are obviously very different.

 

Photograph by Nicolas Stafford (Flickr.com)

Advertisements

Love thyself as thy beloved

Love thyself as thy beloved

I have heard a lot of times that – before getting into a relationship – I need to love myself first, focus on myself first, not get involved and attached too much, and so on.

And sure, I get that I need to love myself first, before I get involved, but I can’t help thinking as well that for me… well, I am a lone wolf, a hermit and a loner by nature, and have been most of my life, even though I’ve opened up more…

So the biggest challenge for me is not being single, or to be alone with myself, or being alone with my shadow and darkness and look it in the eyes, face it and welcome it. My biggest challenge is being in a relationship. Because I am used to being single. That is easy and comfortable. I am not used to being in a deep, committed, loving relationship… It is indeed the best possible school! It is a completely different experience and way of being than what I am used to!

And yes, it is much easier to be single. And as well, then being in a relationship – or giving my energy fully to someone I love – also takes a ton of energy that I could direct to my work and creative stuff… But who says the relationship won’t direct me towards that as well? Inspiration, spark and co-creation…

Is it even true though that I need to love myself and all that first? As someone wrote me, “You can love yourself in your beloved. You can receive a beloved’s love as your own love. And after all, who are you and who is the beloved?” That resonates with my truth. Whereas before, I used to put my beloved on a pedestal. That was the “normal” habit in the past when someone finally came along. Now the truth is that I do see and love myself in my beloved. Oh the projections…

I sure as hell feel like the monk at times… waiting for his Dakini to come forward. That’s the touch of life.

 

 

Photograph by Cristina del Campo (Flickr.com)

The abundance experience

The abundance experience

“True abundance is the experience in which all our needs are easily met and our desires spontaneously fulfilled.”

Let’s take this spiritual cliché and break it down for a moment. But first, let me make it clear that miracles happens everyday and there is no order of difficulty in miracles. And spontaneous process, reactions and healing happens everyday as well.

With that said… Yes, it is possible for our needs to be easily met and for our desires to be spontaneously fulfilled, but sometimes we forget that it also requires some effort and work from us to get to that point. For our needs to be easily met, it requires for us to actually express our needs first. And even before that, it requires for us to realize that our needs – YOUR needs – are important. Our needs are not just met unless we at some point expressed them first. So in other words, our needs are always easily met. It’s not the hardest part. The hardest part for most people is to express their needs first.

It’s the exact same when it comes to our desires. They have to be expressed as well. Our desires are not just spontaneously fulfilled unless we express them first. It all comes down to expression. Self-expression. We have to open up to our needs and desires and actually express them first, before anything happens. And it takes courage to express our true needs, desires, wants and expectations. Because it requires for us to listen to ourselves and our heart first. It requires for us to align ourselves with our truth and our unique and divine blueprint, which is the direct and actual link to true abundance.

Most people’s strategy in life is to close their eyes, hold their breath and hope for the best. It’s true, I am not kidding, and it’s the most commonly used tactic in life for people. And with that, one thing is for sure. Then our needs are not easily met and our desires are not spontaneously fulfilled. Then we just keep ourselves stuck, being out of alignment with our true self, and therefore also with our true abundance.

True abundance is the experience of being aligned with our true nature that is our unique and divine blueprint. A part of that is also the ability to understand, acknowledge and express our needs and desires. Then the experience of true being itself becomes the experience of true abundance.

 

Picture credit: Unknown

Why do we cheat?

Why do we cheat?

Why do some people choose to cheat on their partner? What is the actual reason behind infidelity? I have no clue, to be honest, and yet I’ve got a few ideas why.

It all comes down to attention. I guess attention is the number one reason why. Or, rather the lack of attention. When we don’t get the attention we seek and need from our partner, then we might seek it elsewhere. And we become vulnerable to others showing us the attention we are craving for from our partner. Suddenly an ex-partner or a complete stranger might show us some warm welcomed attention, and then it’s easy to jump into the arms of that person in a vulnerable moment.

That’s often how it starts. At least so I’d assume. We go with the quick fix, and often we do it in a state of having jumped right back into old and unresolved behavioural patterns. Then we seek what is familiar to us and what feels safe. Instead of going inwards, solving it that way, by figuring out ourselves first, to expand beyond the old patterns. And even more so, instead of talking with our partner about how we feel, before it’s too late.

Most people are in general horrible at communicating their true needs, wants, desires and expectations. Then it’s easier and more comfortable to get naked with someone else and go with the five minutes in-and-out race to the finish line. For some reason this becomes more comfortable than expressing our needs and desires, especially our need and desire for attention. We all just want to be seen, felt and heard, deeply.

I believe that is the main reason why someone would choose to cheat on their partner. And then comes the shame and the guilt… And the denial…

Attention, desire, emotional connection, needs and expectations. That’s what it comes down to. Express these things and talk about these things with your partner. It’s absolutely crucial. Both for yourself and in concern to the relationship.

That’s just my two cents on the matter. What’s your two cents on this subject? Have you ever cheated on your partner, or been cheated on? Let’s have an open and honest conversation around this.

P.S. I also recommend listening to Esther Perel’s two cents on the matter:

 

 

Artwork by Banksy

When you bleed, I bleed

When you bleed, I bleed

When you bleed, I bleed
I stay with you
In your cocoon of sensitivity
I lie next to you
In your nest of vulnerability

I don’t just crave you
When the sun is shining
I don’t just crave you
When it’s all smiles and laughs

I crave you
When it’s critical
I crave you
When everything seems to fall apart

When you bleed, I bleed
Through ebb and flood
Through ups and downs
And on those critical days
I crave you a little bit more

Suffocating shame
Putting it to rest
With the purifying water
As plus and minus comes together

When you bleed, I bleed
That’s the flow of life

 

Photograph by Jim Collins (Flickr.com)

Meeting Shakti

Meeting Shakti

“How did you meet your girlfriend?”

I didn’t. She was in me all along. She was with me the whole time. She was always a part of me. And she always will be. Dancing inside my heart.

Out there, she’s a shape shifter. She have looked and behaved differently from time to time. Saraswati, Lakshmi, Parvati, Kali…

In here, she is one and the same. The essence of her remains the same. Yet, the lessons have both changed and repeated itself.

Although she didn’t come to teach me. She came to love me. From there, love will teach me.

One day, she will also remain one and the same out there. The one and the same, as the one and only.

She is Shakti. I met her inside my heart. As she is me, and I am her.

She is the love of my life.

 

Photograph by jordi puig (Flickr.com)

The right to free speech

The right to free speech

Freedom of speech. It is as if the term has lost its meaning and its value.

When this card is pulled, it is as if all common sense disappears. It is like taking a dump on everything that is called respect, trust, compassion, human understanding and cultural understanding. Like taking a dump straight down into a cultural gap that is already huge enough, instead of building bridges. And where the intention is that it should appear open, honest and sincere, it is anything but that. It is nothing more than a defence mechanism to defend the ego. It is nothing more but yet another mask to hide behind, while disclaiming any responsibility.

Democratic freedom of speech. Or democratic freedom of expression. So is it called. If it was in fact democratic, then we should be able to express ourselves without hiding behind this meaningless cliché. It is like an expression to justify democracy and the right to express ourselves without having to ask for permission to do so. Yet another way to shirk responsibility. In that sense, a concept and a term to hide behind and take cover under. An affirmation of human being’s inability to communicate. Completely and utterly devoid of love, respect, empathy, compassion, gratitude, trust and openness. Nothing more but shameless justification. A reassuring illusion. Dictated by fear and the ego’s needs.

“Just because speech is free, let’s not use it cheaply. Words are powerful, and the magical property of those who know how to use them wisely.”
– Deepak Chopra

If one considers freedom of speech as something you use and can take advantage of, then you have not at first understood what it really means to speak from the heart, with an open mind. Open and honest. That’s just something you do. It is to be. It is a part of being. Human being. It’s not just a card you pull out of your pocket and throw on the table, and then you automatically have the right to deny any responsibility for what you say or do. That is not how it works. It is not just a political right to open your heart and express yourself. It is a human right. It’s part of being and doing the best you can. Whereas the concept of freedom of speech is rooted in fear.

It is strange and scary how we cling onto, lean towards and cherish democracy and freedom of speech. But on the other hand it allows us to continue to walk with our heads under our arms. We’re covered and we happily let ourselves manipulate. It has been the case since democracy and freedom of speech was presented to us to replace common sense, humanity, and those values that truly matters.

“Speech can cause humiliation and incite violence or heal. Freedom of speech can be a path to enlightenment or a road to death and destruction.”

We live in a world where freedom of speech and freedom of religion are weighted higher than unconditional love, respect, empathy, compassion, gratitude, trust and openness. The rhetoric is flawed. Just because we have freedom of speech, then it doesn’t mean we should mock and disrespect those who haven’t.

Maybe it’s time to tinker a bit with our livelihood. Maybe not by removing the whole carpet under us, but at least by pulling a few threads that are hanging loose, until it slowly starts to unravel.

Be compassionate. Be impeccable with your word. Trust other people the first time they tell you something, even if it’s a stranger. Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.